Breaking up?  Divorcing? My heart truly aches for you.  I am sad that you are going through what you are.

Today’s Question in the Q & A Series: How Can I Stop the Pain from My Break Up? How to Heal a Broken Heart?

How to heal a broken heart? When does the pain stop?  Is it simply the passage of time?  Will you wake up one day and suddenly not think about your break up?  Will it all just fade away one piece at a time until one day those thoughts no longer wash over you?   Those thoughts no longer come out of nowhere – even at work – and surround you to the point where you can’t think about anything else?  You are on the verge of tears – but you can’t cry where you are.

Sadly, I have been there.  You see, the love of my life, the man of my dreams, betrayed me early in our engagement after we had been amazing companions for 17 years.  This all happened when my mother was dying from Alzheimer’s and a medical error, no less. So yes, I know pain.

The Myth of Time

To heal your pain, the passage of time is highly overrated.  Sure time passes.  Sure each month your feelings are just a little less raw.  But is this the right recovery path and timeline for you? Time is marching on – are you?  Are you where you thought you would be?

There are many people, women especially, that hold on tight to the thoughts of their lost love.  The thoughts swirl in your mind – “If only….” and “I should have…” and “What if….”  On and on.  Round and round. No end in sight.

Truly, there is no end to this line of thinking.  You can literally spend the rest of your life exploring these scenarios – you can rewrite this movie a 1,000 times.  To what end?

Stuck in the Mud

Let’s do an exercise to illustrate.  Imagine your car on the side of the road – it is soft and muddy and raining like crazy.  Your tires have become stuck in deep, thick mud. Sure, you can keep applying the gas, keep pushing the pedal hoping to free yourself, and the tires keep spinning.  They do what you ask – they spin and spin.  And the car might move a little, you get hopeful, but then the car slides back into the ruts in the mud made by going over and over the same thing – spin and spin.  You are no closer to getting out of the mud - in fact, the ruts are getting deeper.  The more you do the same thing – the more stuck you become.

Albert Einstein said that to keep doing the same thing and expecting different results is the definition of insanity.  Doing what you have been doing to get over your break up got you to where you are now. Great. All progress is to be celebrated. But more of the same will likely not get you to where you want to be.  A new plan is called for.

What’s At Stake?

Nothing short of your future is at stake.  What is your new plan for your life?  Your old life is gone – it is behind you.  You can look back on it but you can’t bring it back.  So, now what?  When you are sick and tired of being sick and tired then you are ready for a breakthrough. You know that your time is precious; you want to believe that you have great potential.  Now you are ready to do something that really works.

Inch by inch, day by day – you can begin to look forward.  You can begin to create a new dream. You can chart a new course for your life. It might be scary at first. Sure, you never planned to be here in the first place.  None of us have.  But here we are anyway.

Rest assured, there is hope and there is help.  You do not have to do this alone. You do not have to do this without tools.  When painful thoughts sweep over you – stop them in their tracks. Yell at them GO AWAY!  Then immediately replace them with your new thoughts – your new vision for you – and your new life.  Yes, it takes practice – but it works!

Recognize that each day of your life is a gift.  Each new day has possibilities.  You are in charge of your day, really you are.  It took me a long time to realize this.  Now that you know that you are in charge – where will you guide your day?  Where will you direct your thoughts?  Toward the past and the endless abyss of pain?  Or toward the dawn of your new beginning - with new ideas, new energy, and new opportunities?

News Bulletin: You make that choice each and every minute – either consciously or unconsciously.  So what will it be today?  This hour?  This minute?

What is your choice?  How will you CHOOSE to spend your time today?  How will you choose to think today?  Tonight, when you go to bed, will you say that you moved forward today?

Do you have a question on relationships?

Looking to bounce back from a break up?  Looking to accelerate your recovery and put your pain behind you once and for all? Checkout the e-book: “Bouncing Back From A Break Up : 7 Essential Steps to Creating a Newly Empowered You” available now at http://www.BouncingBackNow.com/store

Just Say No to the Status Quo TM

If you are so inclined…there is help in my book in the comprehensive 5Es to Recovery.  Get an autographed copy of the best-seller Bouncing Back From Loss: How to Learn from Your Past, Build the Present, and Transform Your Future -  with custom bookmark, free 5Es e-workbook, and free US shipping at http://www.BouncingBackFromLoss.com

Read what 40 people have to say about Bouncing Back From Loss. Plus here’s another one week…… [Anne D.  says "I couldn't  put it down. Today I wanted to just scan the book and then read it later on, but I couldn't put Bouncing Back From Loss down. It is great. Love it, love it." ]  If you’d like more help and support, there is also my 5Es to Recovery coaching program. I’d be happy to answer your questions about it.

Donna Marie Thompson, PhD – The Bouncing Back Now Relationship Coach – is a best-selling author, a Certified Professional Coach, a Certified NLP Practitioner, and a Master Practitioner of the Energy Leadership Index. Donna Marie is listed as one of America’s Premier Experts in relationships and personal development. She is the host of the “Bouncing Back Now” show on the Real Coaching Radio TV network and the  “Bounce Back”show on webtalkradio.  Donna Marie is a featured relationship expert panelist on the new Conscious View TV series.  She has been the special guest on many radio shows and on the Brian Tracy TV Show as seen on ABC, CBS, NBC, and Fox affiliates across the country.  Donna Marie will be showcased on the national TV show “World’s Greatest”  in July 2011.