“Men are motivated and empowered when they feel needed. Women are motivated and empowered when they feel cherished.” John Gray

So who how well are you communicating?  Not such an odd question if you listen to the conversations going on all around you.  We are often frustrated, so we take it out on our spouses, so in times of high stress the actual tone of the talk can be abysmal.

How did we stop cherishing our spouse ?  Our love?  And how did they stop cherishing us?  Why do we talk to each other like this?

Familiarity

You live together day after day and eventually all of the little things seem to add up into big things.  The unevenness of keeping the household up and running with never-ending chores, to-do lists, errands, and kids simply grates at our sense of fairness.  Drip, drip, drip.  It wears on our nerves.  It clouds our perspective. It erodes our sense of partnership of “you and me against the world” where you likely started.  It makes the special, mundane.

That special loving feeling – of just how special our spouse is and what the relationhsip means to us deep down – begins to recede in the trivial nonsense of the daily grind. And the most visible place where it shows up is our communications.

It Doesn’t Have to Be That  Way

You can begin to communicate in a kinder, gentler, and more effective way. Believe me , if you have said it three times, your mate heard it.  Saying it 30 more times is just a waste of time and energy.  A new approach is needed.

Enter questions.   Asking specific questions - with a tone of curiosity – not of judgment – is a great start.  If ten things need to be done ask kindly: “How can we get all of this done?” Then work together on a plan.  Some people like to solve problems and fix things so they might appreciate this approach. It also lets both parties know just how much needs to be done.  So together you can set new priorities; together you can build a new consensus.  Together you can work it out – as lovers.  With mutual kindness and respect.

You will find that you will no longer say things that you don’t mean such as the sweepingly negative and hurtful : ”You never do anything around here”.  Is that in line with your values?

If the workload appears to be uneven, then both of you have the opportunity to see that wide array of stuff that needs to be done.  And there may be things that are being done that you don’t know about.  It takes two.

If you are both working hard or crazy hours maybe you can eliminate or outsource a few things.  Get creative.  Maybe your kids can do more.  Maybe it doesn’t need to be done as often.  Let it slide if it will help your relationship.

Start Anew

When you approach the conversation with curiosity, your spouse has a better understanding of the situation, of what you want, and what you expect. Get down to the root of the issue in your communication. Don’t give orders or pass out assignments if that approach is not working. Think of how that feels as an adult on the receiving end.  What are Instead put your problem-solving hat on and treat your spouse as a willing partner in managing your lives effectively.

Old communication patterns are often hard to break, but if they are not working, what have you got to lose?  Why not make it a personal development goal to identify any relationship problems that derive from chores – or your number one area of contention.  Then sort it out by beginning a healthy relationship conversation - communicate in a new way.  Give it a try, experiment and work it out.  Then move on to the next relationship issue.  You’ll see; it works!

Just Say No to the Status Quo^TM

Do you have a question on relationships?

Looking to bounce back from a break up?  Checkout the e-book: “Bouncing Back From A Break Up : 7 Essential Steps to Creating a Newly Empowered You” available now at http://www.BouncingBackNow.com/store

Donna Marie Thompson, PhD – The Bouncing Back Now Relationship Coach – is a best-selling author, a Certified Professional Coach, a Certified NLP Practitioner, and a Master Practitioner of the Energy Leadership Index. Donna Marie is listed as one of America’s Premier Experts in relationships and personal development. She is the host of the “Bouncing Back Now” show on the Real Coaching Radio TV network and the  “Bounce Back”show on webtalkradio.  Donna Marie is a featured relationship expert panelist on the new Living Consciously series on Denver cable TV.  She has been the special guest on many radio shows and on the Brian Tracy TV Show as seen on ABC, CBS, NBC, and Fox affiliates across the country.  Donna Marie will be showcased on the national TV show “World’s Greatest”  in July 2011 on the ION network.